=(

You ever wake up from a really good dream, try to get back to sleep? Or you got the flu, and

you promise yourself that you’ll appreciate normal so much more if you could just get back

to it? That’s the way I feel. I just want things to go back to the way they were."

Repleksyon

Life is funny sometimes and it can push you pretty hard...like when you fall in love with someone and they forget to love you back..
xoxoxo

Sometimes, i wonder, just how much a person can take and how much one heart can take. It's almost the end of the year,and as it turns out, life can push you pretty hard. this year has been a real struggle. like being lost some place and all you got is your stinking self, a crazy headache, an empty stomach and an empty pocket. And just as you thought you're at your worst, when suddenly you got hit by a bus, so bad, you went on a coma for months,and when you decided you still wanna live, you wake up, with one leg, one arm, and a deformed face. Aw..how do you supposed to go on with life this way? that's tough. and as much as you want to feel sorry for yourself, when you thought that's the worst that could happen? then you realized, like, OMG..you got no health insurance, and youre medical bills along with all the other bills are piling up..Oh darn Jesus..what now? oh well..what else can i say? but life is hard. and yea, maybe i was just making this things up, but it's not that far fetched that bad things seemed to have a way around. And sometimes, when you've got so much of this bad things going on, you're more prone to lose yourself in a way, because there's a lot of ugly feelings going on as much as you just wanna take it all in..And when you lose your way, you'll think that life is pushing you and pushing you so hard off the edge that you become the worst person that you are. I used to believed that my life sucks and because i think that it is, i found an excuse to be my worst self. but i know now, that this realization is kind of silly.. like i only drag my self deeper on this worst situation instead of trying to get myself out of it. it has never been easy for me to accept that i was doing everything wrong for the past God knows how many years because of this thinking. this year, just like last year and the year before that, and going back as far as i can remember.. life seemed to only get harder each year. This maybe true, but i know it's not fair to say that life is all that bad.. if it was, i really really thought that it wasn't entirely my own doing. And i realized how childish i must've been for not owning in to it. but it just seemed important that bad things has to happen to figure it out.. Now, i think that life is supposed to hurt a bit..like it was designed that people go through some of that pain, a little disappointments, a little mistake to find themselves. i've always been hopeful that somewhere between all my struggles, i'll find my way. there's gotta be something good that comes out of it..right? otherwise it's all meaningless...

xoxoxo

And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be...or lose that person completely.
Because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you really are.

Third Eye

Sigurado raw na mararamdaman mo kapag may multong malapit sa iyo. Tatayo ang balahibo sa batok mo... Biglang lalamig ang paligid... Iikot ang tiyan mo... Para kang biglang may kasama. May mararamdaman ka sa paligid mo kahit alam mong ikaw lang mag-isa.

Bata pa lang ako, matatakutin na ako. Takot ako sa dilim, humihina ako kapag mag-isa. Hindi ko rin kayang manood ng mga nakakatakot na palabas sa TV (gaya ng taunang November 1 special ng magandang gabi bayan), Ang palagay ko, bakit mo pagdaraanin ang sarili mo sa nakapanlalambot na hilakbot? Mas lalong ayokong makakita, o makaramdam, o makaengkwentro ng multo. Hindi ko yata kakayanin. Baka himatayin ako sa takot. ako lang talaga 'yun--- kulang sa tapang, liglig ng nerbiyos.

Hindi ko naiwan sa pagkabata ang takot ko sa dilim, at sa multo. Sa paglaki ko, nadagdagan pa nga ang mga takot ko--- tumaba, magka-cancer, bumagsak sa mga klase ko, at marami pang iba. Pero higit sa lahat ng mga ito, ang magmahal at masaktan. Natuklasan ko na hindi gaya ng takot ko sa mga multong ni hindi ko nga alam kung gawa sa hamog, o sa usok, o basta gawa lang ng imahinasyon ko--- mas nakapanghihina, mas nakapanghihilakbot pala ang magmahal at masaktan. Naranasan ko na iyon. Ang magmahal, mawalan, at halos mabaliw sa sakit. Nang mawala ka sa 'kin. para akong sira-ulong ayaw maniwala at ayaw tumanggap, parang praning na ipinipilit sa sariling "babalik siya.... babalik siya."

May mga namamatayan ng kapamilya o kaibigan na sa tindi ng pangungulila, hinihiling nila na magmulto ang namayapa na. Hindi na mahalaga kung kahibangan ito--- mabigyan lang ng kahit isa pang pagkakataon na makausap o masilayan man lang ang mahal sa buhay na inagaw na ng kamatayan.

Nang nawala ka, handa akong ibigay ang lahat, ang kahit ano, bumalik ka lang kahit sandali. Kahit sa anong paraan. kahit isang maikling text lang, o e-mail, o friendster message. Maramdaman ko lang na kahit tapos na ang lahat, mahalaga pa rin ako sa iyo. Pero walang dumating. Ni hindi ka man lang nagparamdam. Kahit na parang ritwal ko nang tinatawag ang pangalan mo gabi-gabi, wala. Wala ka na talaga. Naging mas madali nga ang pagtanggap sa pumanaw nating pagkakataon, pero kasabay nito, mas naging mapait naman ang aking pag-aayuno.

Tuloy ang buhay. Kailangan e. Natuto akong magmahal ng iba at unti-unti ring nawala ang lungkot. Naniniwala rin naman akong mayroon akong karapatang maging masaya, at mas gusto kong ngumiti kaysa umiyak. Nariyan naman ang ala-ala mo, nariyan ang pag-ibig na kahit kailan ay hindi ko na maibibigay sa iba bukod sa iyo. Pero sabi nga ng idol kong si Sharon Cuneta, "once you love someone, you never stop loving them. you just love them in newer ways." (mula sa "kung ako na lang sana"). Habang nagmamahal ako ng bagong pag-ibig, patuloy pa rin kitang minamahal. Alam ko iyan. Naroon na rin siguro ang kaalamang dahil patay na nga ang panahon natin sa paningin ni kupido, hindi ko na kailangan buhayin pa ang sakit. Tanggap ko na. Paminsan minsan nga, dinadalaw pa ng diwa ko ang mga nakakalat na lapida ng ating nakaraan. Kapag nakakarating ako sa mga lugar na noo'y nakasama kita, kapag naririnig ko ang mga awit na pinili ko para sa 'ting dalawa--- para na rin akong nagtitirik ng kandila at nag-aalay ng bulaklak sa ala-ala mo.

Hanggang sa nagmulto ka. Pakshit.

Ang sabi nila, hindi tumatawid sa kabilang buhay ang mga espiritung may mga hindi pa tapos na misyon sa mundong ito. Pakiramdam nila, may mga transaksyon pa sila sa kanilang buhay na kailangang isara at maisakatuparan. Ang iba nga raw, hindi pa tanggap na patay na sila kaya ayaw pa umalis. palutang-lutang sila, patuloy ang "buhay", ginagawa pa rin ang mga pinagkakaabalahan nila noon. Ang iba naman, sadyang naghahasik ng takot at pangamba. Sadyang gustong makarinig ng mga tili at makakita ng nasindak na mga mukha habang nagsasabog sila ng lagim.

Simpleng text lang, umikot ang mundo ko. Hindi ko alam kung magdiriwang ako o manlulumo. Nakakatuwang nakakatakot e. Sa tagal ng panahon na hinintay kong maramdaman ka, hanggang sa nalimutan ko na nga kung bakit, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang reaksyon ko. Pero, napatunayan ko noon na totoo pala: kapag minulto ka, tatayo ang balahibo sa batok mo, manlalamig ka, iikot ang tiyan mo, at sigurado ka sa presensiya ng multo sa paligid mo. "Nabuhay" kang muli sa mundo ko. Lagi ka na namang nariyan sa haraya ko. Pa’no, dumalas ka mag-text, tumatawag ka pa, paminsan minsan nagkakape pa tayo’t tumatawa habang nilulunod ang ating mga sarili sa venti mocha frap with mint syrup. Matagal na panahon akong nangulila sa iyo, kaya ang saya saya saya ko sa tuwing nariyan ka. Kahit paminsan-minsan. Kahit paunti-unti. Dahil nga mahal naman kita, tinanggap ko ang pagmumulto mo. Sabi ko, wala naman sigurong masama, pakiramdam ko pa nga ang tapang ko. Hinayaan ko nang bukas ang third eye ng puso ko. Lubos na sana ang magiging kasiyahan ko kung tuluyan ang iyong pagbabalik... pero lagi ka rin namang nawawala. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ginagawa niyong mga multo iyon, parang gustong gusto niyong nagpaparamdam, manggugulat, tapos mawawala naman. Hindi ka naman nagtatagal sa mga dahilang ikaw lang ang nakaaalam. Noong simula hinihintay pa kita lagi, pero nakakapagod rin. Mahirap pala 'yun. Mahirap pala magmahal ng kaluluwa--- hindi kita mahawakan, hindi kita mayakap, hindi kita mahalikan. Malamig na hangin na lang ba talaga ang magiging katumbas ng pag-ibig ko?

Para sa mga taong may kakayahang makakita ng mga espiritu at ibang nilalang, wala raw ibang mas maiging gawin kundi tanggapin ito. Sumpa man o biyaya, hindi na mahalaga. May dahilan lahat ng bagay sa mundo. Baka nga paraan na rin ng Diyos na buksan ang ikatlong mata't ikaanim na pandama ng ilang tao sa mundo... mabigyan man lamang ng pagkakataon ang mga alagad ng kabilang buhay na marinig at maintindihan.

Mahal pa rin kita. Pakiramdam ko, alam mo naman iyon e, kaya ka nga matapang magmulto. Pero magkaiba na tayo ng mundo, marami nang nagbago. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan mong magparamdam gayong wala ka na rin namang kayang gawin na paraan upang tuluyang magbalik, upang muling mabuhay sa mundo ko. Nang-aasar ka lang ba talaga sa pagdalaw mo? Kung hindi, ano ba ang "unfinished business" mo? Ano bang maitutulong ko? Sapat na ba sa iyo ang ganito--- ang mahalin natin ang isa't isa sa magkabilang mundo, sa magkaibang paraan? Iyon lang kasi ang maibibigay ko. At alam ko... hanggang du'n lang rin ang kaya mo. Patuloy na tatakbo ang buhay ko. At sa tuwing mumultuhin mo ako, ngingiti na lang ako. Oo, tatayo pa rin ang mga balahibo ko sa batok, manlalamig at iikot pa rin ang tiyan ko... Pero hindi na ako matatakot.

Hindi ka totoo.

xxstaRrxx

Oh crap!

We all go through different walks in life. and sometimes, when you think youre walking safely, when all of a sudden you stumble and fall into a pit that which you can't seemed to escape. You try to get up, and climb up, but you can't find anything to hold on to..so you keep dropping and slipping along the way. It's exhausting, tiring and frustrating.. the harder you struggle, the deeper you fall..the darker the whole place gets. It's hard to know when you can't see in the dark..you can only smell your own fear and desperation..it's unbearable. How does anyone escape this place?

you sir, are an ass

6 billion people in the world; and i have to put up with an ass hat like you. demmit.


Thursday afternoon, while Trillianes decided to get the nations attention, i was rushing through the traffic not to mention it was raining nonstop..i was on the way to Mbc where our events team would meet up for an event in Nueva Ecija. I was 15 minutes away, probably another 15 minutes late our call-time. I decided to call the assistant production manager to informed him i was on the way.. He told me not to bother going..coz they were on the way to N.E already, pasensyahan na lang, walang intayan.. walang personalan toh, trabaho lang, kase maiipit kame kung intayin ka pa namen. That was fine alright. i admit it was my fault, i could've took off earlier if i had known i would get caught in the fucking traffic..but they could've called me, or texted me the least, so i' fucking know what's goin on. My job may not be as important as the Manager, or with the talents who so often are late on most occasion..and considering, i was part of the team. I expect that, at least, they could've informed me before they went on. I was sorry i was late, and i wouldn't ask them to wait if i couldn't infact be there on time, if i didn't call, i wouldn't know that they had left already.. i was pissed at the fact that no one informed me. and it happened again yesterday. We had a scheduled event in manila, and supposedly after manila, we'll go straight to Dagupan for the next day's event. i had my things ready and packed. I brought them all at the venue in manila, when i got there, i found out that the Dagupan tripped was canceled and i wasn't informed earlier. eh di muka na naman akong tanga, dami kong bitbit hindi naman pala tuloy un trip. Azar diba, considering i had canceled whatever plans i had the next day prior to the event.. kakapikon lang.. Going about what happened including all the other stuff in between, it daunts to me, that i was as insignificant as a viral infection that's been giving me the sneeze rough time.. i've never felt so out of place and out of space in a huge fancy restaurant, with people, who's it. and who' aren't. Although there were familiar faces, friends, colleagues, and so on, It felt like i was utterly out of my comfort zone..it felt awful and lonely. It didn't really matter however i feel..i just didn't matter so to speak. And just being singled out as an underachiever in a dog-eat-dog world, made it all perfectly clear. it was almost like i was trying hard to be part of this world. it looks like i was trying hard.,but i don't exactly remember having chosen to be part of this awful mean place. So why am i here? Putting aside how much slave labor for slave wages i've gotten myself into..these familiar faces are my friends..or at least i'd like to think that. and maybe they've helped me get into this business..but hell, i sure work my ass off to pay my own bills. i deserved to be treated if not more as any of the bosses i have, at least as a person who is doing her job the best she can..

i've had encountered in more than one occasion being treated any less..but i still stuck around. I really don't want to think that i am a people pleaser. Heck, i really don't care what people think of me, although sometimes, silent words,.when spoken loudly (especially when it's not really what you needed to hear) in your face, kinda hurt my feelings..i know i didn't have to put up with situations like this or with ass hats like whoever, but i stuck around either way because where else should i be?if i wouldn't be here, where will i be? i really didn't need to prove myself to anyone.. I am here to prove myself. that i am deserving to be here. Maybe everyone are hungry for who's better than who..And i have nothing against that people or with those successful people, the achievers, or the rich and the famous alike. i don't take it against them, they work hard for it..they deserve it, but that doesn't mean they are better than the rest.
This isn't really about friends or work or the status of a person..it's about people. the person itself for who they really are. People are used to judging people for what they say, or do, or for what they've achieved.. i really don't understand how others can treat people like they don't matter..why? do they even know who they really are. I am likewise guilty for judging others by theyre looks, or they're status, or for what they do..but does it mean i am allowed to say ‘ugly’ or am I supposed to say at least,‘visually offensive’ for the sake of being politely rude. I mean, do we really have to be so friggin' insensitive to speak our mind because hell, at least, im not as ugly as the person next to me...duh. i hope you get the point.. Reality bites hard, and life isn't fair..but a little compassion won't hurt a bit. People are already hurting..People are suffering..the least a person can do is to be sensitive enough to care..and to treat others with the same respect as everyone deserves.


xxxxxxxxxx
Words and hearts should be handled with care for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest things to repair.

the filthy stinking truth

..no one dies a virgin...life screws us all..!

~*~*~*~

If Life is a game...these are the rules:

1. You will receive a body.
-You may like or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons.
-You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lesson or think them as irrelevant or stupid.

3. There are no mistakes. only lessons.
-Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process of experiment that ultimately "works".

4. A lesson is repeated until learned.
-A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end.
-There is not a part of life that does not contain its lesson. if you are alive there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here".
-When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again look better than "here".

7. Others are merely mirrors of you.
-You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you.
-You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you.
-The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.

10. You will forget all this. toinks.

by: Cherrie Carter Scott. Ph d